kamitlan

I really feel as if I should make this journey alone. Yet it's the feeling that's torn between isolation and desiring companionship. Almost as if I should just pack my bags and go on some journey...some pilgrimage, just me and the path.  Time passes and my desire to seek God, to seek his love and joy fades in and out of my consciousness. At times I'm distracted mildly by the worldly things, yet the illusion doesn't last long before I remember my ache for His presence. And yet I don't even know what that would really mean. I only know from what I have read and experiencing the opposite. My knowledge is knowledge by the negative or abstractly from others words, not by my own experience or thinking.
The depression has seemed to set. The fatigue is my new battleground, I just want to sleep all the time. I want to be cozy and warm and unconscious to this world. I don't feel much, my mind and emotions are dulled to almost a numbness. If I do feel something, it's a small anxiety or fear, but happiness, pleasure or laughter is lacking.  I'm tempted to just isolate from the world of my friends and honestly it would not be that hard to do since so many are busy with their own lives. This makes the aloneness more ingrained. And the few who are responsive, I'm surely I am becoming a bit of a bother or nuisance to them. I cling in fear of losing the small companionship I have. Probably if I didn't "feel" so insecure and alone, all of the busy lives of other people wouldn't be problematic. I should be thankful and grateful for the friends God has given me. Yet, I begin to wonder again, what do I offer in return, especially during these dark days of mine. I cannot be joyful or "fun".  I only have my pain to share and who wants that?
So back to this pilgrimage. I walk alone a bit. I might call out in the darkness and hope to hear a voice or even feel someone elses hand join mine. Perhaps someone will walk with me even if it's just to talk about the weather or to sit silently during the times of rest. 

I almost practically fell asleep twice today as I was driving to and from a college fair.  Difficulty sleeping and taking anti-anxiety meds and antihistamines can be quite a lethal drowsy choice. But my anxiety and my sinuses have been making my life miserable. Last night just to finally fall asleep I took twice my recommended dose for my anti-anxiety meds. Yes, thats a huge NO NO, but I needed to sleep and I was just so tired yet completely anxious. I realized finally today that much of it stemmed from both encounters with people and the new grad class I'm taking.
Yes, the anticipation of class was weirding me out! But I did go to today and I just jumped into the water. I did my participation of discussion, even if I probably sounded like a bumbling fool. I feel a bit more at ease. And I plan to work hard to really learn and contribute. Hopefully I'll gain a better ability of thinking critically and explaining my thoughts. My class is Sociology of Law and I unfortunately lack any knowledge about legal philosophy. Hey I can just answer it's all a social construction....I think wikipedia will be my friend for the next few weeks.
Still annoyed with work issues, but trying to get past them and asking God for some very necessary intervention. I am in need of growing in patience, compassion and charity.
As loud and sarcastic I can be, I find myself disliking that part of me increasingly more. I know I developed my sarcasm as a way to defend myself and create humor.  My sarcasm and teasing people occurs mostly when I feel either threatened, insecure, or just needing to get attention.  But it can be truly uncharitable and very hurtful. I don't want to be that way. Yeah, I want people to like me, love me.
A friend of mine told me to be gentle with myself and not be see critical of myself. I understand what he means, but at the same time I dislike many things about or at least things I percieve about myself. I feel as if I can come across as a very obnoxious and loud person. I  know that I laugh rather loudly and that makes me more self-conscious these days.  And I can particularly amused by very mundane things, which can scare people.
Ok I'm starting to fall asleep btwn writing these sentences. Going ot make use of this sleepiness. Hopefully God will grant me a good nights rest..