kamitlan

perhaps its the late drive homes or the early wake ups to get to the school for the college fairs that have me in a sort of buzz. at least during the fairs i'm a bit happy to be engaged talking to students about their futures feeding the fire of excitement they have about taking that next step.
the driving is also meditative, but I have to now make sure to drink coffee so to keep away the sleepiness. this morning i drove in from Victoria and had to make a stop b/c i was so tired. yay for starbucks ...oh and allergies do not help either....bleh. i could feel my nose swollen from the allergies.
but mid afternoon i felt horrible..all disoriented and just not able to focus in the office. it bothered me b/c i have a lot to be working on and I could barely go through my thoughts. i think i walked around aimlessly for about 20 mins trying to figure out what to do next. finally i went ahead and decided to go to Mass at the Newman Center at 12noon and partake of the Wednesday lunch.
i think i needed some food. after eating i felt better but still distracted.
im tired and have a lot on my mind.
but i'm sorta in good mood. mixed states.

Bleh, had the chills and went to the doctor to get better. It's icky to be sick during the summer or any time in particular.

So again I was reminded at the clinic about my weight or actually overweight situation. Technically I'm like 100lbs over my ideal weight. So like every other time I went I got the same spiel about heart disease and diabetes and just dying early.
I know i have gained about 60lbs in the past 5 years, partially due to medications for my depression and then lack of desire to engage in any activity. Of course being overweight can be a contributing factor to my depression-because of that whole lack of healthy self-image and self-esteem.
And yes I have heard that exercise is supposed to be helpful with the whole happy endorphins...i just i have no desire to "work out"...
Depressed Skeptics as I am makes it heard to believe exercise will make me feel better about myself.
Motivation for losing weight because of health concerns-very low.
Motivation for losing weight because of aesthetic reasons- very low-to non existent.

As my mother said, I'm in a battle with myself.

Right before a phone interview for a new hiree I was underneath the conference table fiddling with some wiring. I was trying to find a phone/internet connection where some other cables were.  My coworkers were chatting amongst themselves and asking what I was doing. I noticed a piece of paperclip near a half plugged in electrical plug.  Pulled out the electrical plug which caused an electric shock.  But I'm ok. I didn't electrocute myself.  Burned that little paperclip. Mission was unsuccessful b/c I didn't find any cables for the phone or internet.

Technically I am officially on vacation until July 14th as of right now. But I am still here at my cubicle, my computer working on some projects. The mailing address changed so I'm having to review all of our web pages and request the necessary changes to our Web people...I have to do the same for our publications.

Vacation time!!! I checked how many hours of vacation I have accrued and it's at 107 hrs!!! Thats like over 13 days!!! But I'm only taking one of week vacation right now.

What to do...what to do? I wish I had money i  just went on some really awesome roadtrip. I feel like I need a roadtrip with a scenic view. To see the countryside with mountains and valleys and plains and just whatever came my way....but gas is expensive and i have no destination.

I have a couple of plans to go to the movies and watch movies Ive been interested in. Sleeping in and going perhaps to the Museum of Fine Arts and just plug into my ipod. Thats always enjoyable.

Hopefully all the time to myself won't get to me.
I emailed my closest friends about how I'm not in the greatest place right now and the fact I feel a bit abandoned, especially with no therapist. I canceled my appointment with the new therapist I saw last week. Her no phone call policy didn't quite fit my needs. I really need that safety net.  Not sure where all of this will take me. I know God is with me, but the knowledge of his existence is rather abstract and not very personal at this time.

So Recap:
Alive after almost electrocuting experience.
Now on Vacation.

Any suggestions on what to do on my vacation?

Listen to the first track of Coldplay's new album...Viva La Vida or Death and all his Friends.
The first track "life in technicolor" is exactly what i want in my life a new beginning, a beautiful sunrise to my life that brings upon hopes of great living.
Clique as it may seem I have soundtracked many songs to my life as I narrate in a meta-living kind of way. Even now I find myself doing things and immediately priming how I interpret everything so to able to relate it to others through conversation or even blogging.
It's as if I want my life to matter to others. Perhaps it already does, but my neurosis limits my ability to recognize it.
It was relieving to get the feedback from my psychiatrist that growing older or becoming an adult really doesn't feel that much different. I'm 27 now and honestly I don't feel that much different from 21....sure many things have transpired but my sense of self as an "adult" hasn't changed much.
So now once again, like many times before I have this desire to take hold of my life and make something of myself?... 
It almost sounds selfish in my mind I feel as if I need a life of my own, instead of being the extra in others.