kamitlan

I really feel as if I should make this journey alone. Yet it's the feeling that's torn between isolation and desiring companionship. Almost as if I should just pack my bags and go on some journey...some pilgrimage, just me and the path.  Time passes and my desire to seek God, to seek his love and joy fades in and out of my consciousness. At times I'm distracted mildly by the worldly things, yet the illusion doesn't last long before I remember my ache for His presence. And yet I don't even know what that would really mean. I only know from what I have read and experiencing the opposite. My knowledge is knowledge by the negative or abstractly from others words, not by my own experience or thinking.
The depression has seemed to set. The fatigue is my new battleground, I just want to sleep all the time. I want to be cozy and warm and unconscious to this world. I don't feel much, my mind and emotions are dulled to almost a numbness. If I do feel something, it's a small anxiety or fear, but happiness, pleasure or laughter is lacking.  I'm tempted to just isolate from the world of my friends and honestly it would not be that hard to do since so many are busy with their own lives. This makes the aloneness more ingrained. And the few who are responsive, I'm surely I am becoming a bit of a bother or nuisance to them. I cling in fear of losing the small companionship I have. Probably if I didn't "feel" so insecure and alone, all of the busy lives of other people wouldn't be problematic. I should be thankful and grateful for the friends God has given me. Yet, I begin to wonder again, what do I offer in return, especially during these dark days of mine. I cannot be joyful or "fun".  I only have my pain to share and who wants that?
So back to this pilgrimage. I walk alone a bit. I might call out in the darkness and hope to hear a voice or even feel someone elses hand join mine. Perhaps someone will walk with me even if it's just to talk about the weather or to sit silently during the times of rest. 

i don't want to be by myself, but i don't know how to be around people anymore.
because of that because of how painful it is for me to be social i've backed out of facebook and really talking to most people and any means of keeping in touch-except for my email and cell.
Monday-Friday all is good, because work occupies most of my time. Of course then I look forward to having time off to rest from the stress of work, but after a couple of hours when I have decided to not do anything i find myself restless.
I'm not sure what I want or even need anymore.
Need? I don't need anything per se. I have work, money, food, a place to sleep.
Why complain? Why the meh?

Meh....nothing more but meh.

I dare for the world, for life, for God to wake me, bring me out of this slumber. To make me laugh, a hearty laugh that lifts the soul. God I ask that you help me love....love you and love others (even if i fear the tears that come with loving)That I may be able to live as you have once wanted us to live life.

Awake, o sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
and Christ shall give you light.
Light of the resurrection,
begotten before the morning star,
who gives life through His radiance.
Ancient baptismal acclamation

I sleep waiting for the dawn.