kamitlan

my lj should be called depressing journal. :(
still in this heavy state of depression, fighting back the tears at least once every 2 days. yes, its agonizing trying to find some courage to see outside myself and be hopeful? hopesome....yes hopesome.  I know i feel all lonely and I want to spend time with friends, but when i reach out the majority are busy. it wouldn't be so bad if i just didn't feel so harsh and being alone with my own thoughts makes it cut your soul.
I am trying to keep busy with reading for my class and not getting behind, but even that and work is not enough. I don't want to give into some sort of anger and become jaded in order to protect myself. Last time I did that I didn't talk to people for a long time. That led me nowhere.

So here's to just trying to keep it real. Struggling with the despair, but feeling the pain.

I feel much like an emotional leper. Please God heal this emotional leper.

do penguins get colds, i mean many of them just hang out in the snow.... Well I got some nasty cough now. Two LONG days at work, Friday was a prospective student event and today was HHF Career and Education Day. Just exhausted and as they day went on my cough got horribly worse. Stopped at Walgreens to get some Robitussin and Cough Drops and Puffs Plus tissues. I've never bought Puffs, usually been a Kleenex girl, but I guess I wanted to see how this tissues with lotion feel like. Pretty nice. They aren't greasy or anything. Well I also bought water and Ricola Cough Drops...yeah i'm pretty picky with cough drops. I don't like Halls or anything super strong, i just like the Ricola Natural Herb. No, I'm not a spokesperson, just picky about cough drops. I'm so not super excited about this, already had the flu like 2weeks ago and just so emotionally unstable-my body is just out of whack. I haven't been able to go back to the gym. I had hoped to do that tomorrow.
Well, I'm gonna go to bed soon now. Probably do some more reading for class, so I can write my summary and discussion question.
It cracked me up in the last class how one of the students replied to his own observation- "well, that could be an ecological fallacy by my part"...---ohh big words. cracks me up when people use big terminology to sound all fancy. He was also the same guy who brought up Freud to compare one of the readings. Bleh Freud, really your bringing up Totem and Taboo?! The trying to be fancy intellectual is a bit annoying, perhaps because I'm a bit that way myself. I'm a bit of Catholic intellectual snob, that tries to keep it low key. Only use big words when necessary and watch which philosophies you follow.
That reminds me. So in class we were discussing do people file lawsuits for their own well-being or because they desire to make a change to the law for the good of others. Well, evidence shows that most of the time they will settle out of court instead of continue to trial to make a real change in law. The point of American Individualism was brought up, that as Americans we are more likely only to look out for our own individual interests. One my classmates was honest and declared that she would probably settle for her own individual interests than make a choice that may bring about change for the greater good. Because most of the time people think "well someone else can be 'that person'-the other that stands up also for others"  Most everyone in the class nodded with affirmation/approval as if to acknowledge similar sentiments---the let someone else be the "helper".... I chimed in with, "I'll be "that person-the other" ... because for me I guess with my Catholic upbringing, I would greatly consider to file a lawsuit not simply for my own interest but so that others may not have to experience similar injustices. I would be that person. Not trying to be heroic, I wanted to do my best to show that we aren't subject indefinitely by the American Protestant Individualism ideology that can be so selfish and uncharitable.  The class seemed relieved that "that person" existed, but immediately dismissed my empowerment by saying " well I guess you'll be the one in the jail cell" I suppose to suggesting I'd be some crazed activist who would end up controlled by the government. I only wish they understood that sometimes we must realize we are all interconnected- Catholic term-part of the Mystical Body of Christ.
I can only imagine the discussion when we cover Roe v. Wade. :/

I almost practically fell asleep twice today as I was driving to and from a college fair.  Difficulty sleeping and taking anti-anxiety meds and antihistamines can be quite a lethal drowsy choice. But my anxiety and my sinuses have been making my life miserable. Last night just to finally fall asleep I took twice my recommended dose for my anti-anxiety meds. Yes, thats a huge NO NO, but I needed to sleep and I was just so tired yet completely anxious. I realized finally today that much of it stemmed from both encounters with people and the new grad class I'm taking.
Yes, the anticipation of class was weirding me out! But I did go to today and I just jumped into the water. I did my participation of discussion, even if I probably sounded like a bumbling fool. I feel a bit more at ease. And I plan to work hard to really learn and contribute. Hopefully I'll gain a better ability of thinking critically and explaining my thoughts. My class is Sociology of Law and I unfortunately lack any knowledge about legal philosophy. Hey I can just answer it's all a social construction....I think wikipedia will be my friend for the next few weeks.
Still annoyed with work issues, but trying to get past them and asking God for some very necessary intervention. I am in need of growing in patience, compassion and charity.
As loud and sarcastic I can be, I find myself disliking that part of me increasingly more. I know I developed my sarcasm as a way to defend myself and create humor.  My sarcasm and teasing people occurs mostly when I feel either threatened, insecure, or just needing to get attention.  But it can be truly uncharitable and very hurtful. I don't want to be that way. Yeah, I want people to like me, love me.
A friend of mine told me to be gentle with myself and not be see critical of myself. I understand what he means, but at the same time I dislike many things about or at least things I percieve about myself. I feel as if I can come across as a very obnoxious and loud person. I  know that I laugh rather loudly and that makes me more self-conscious these days.  And I can particularly amused by very mundane things, which can scare people.
Ok I'm starting to fall asleep btwn writing these sentences. Going ot make use of this sleepiness. Hopefully God will grant me a good nights rest..

the world feels a bit chaotic now. Question. Would it be wrong to not read all the depressing news regarding the financial downturn? I sort of want to live under a rock, actually.

I find myself wrestling temptation more often, especially in just following God. The actual desire to go to Mass has somewhat left me. The last time I felt such an indifference towards Mass was when I had lost my faith. The distance between me and God is growing significantly.
I feel odd reaching out to my friends in faith. Odd perhaps, in many ways I "know" better. Once during a very low depression filled with doubt of God's love and wanting to give up, a friend asked, "Where are you gonna go if you leave the Church?"
My only response was, "Nowhere, there is nothing else that matters but God" It's true, despite my doubts I could only believe in the fullness of faith of the Catholic Church.

And now, stranded in my own world and thoughts. I just don't feel it. I know it's not about feeling, but I never was one with a strong will.

One of my Catholic friends told me just yesterday that she for some unknown inspiration has been praying for me and having me as an intention for daily Mass for the past few weeks. Weird. Holy Spirit? Perhaps, I haven't told her about my faith struggles. Of course this gives me good reason to realize that God still wants me and loves me. Of course he does...I just feel lost.

I remember clearly when I was first introduced to Rothko's paintings. It was my sophomore year of high school. My advanced art class took a school trip to the Menil Collection. At that time we were "learning" about abstract art. I put the "" because honestly I don't think I really understood what I was learning. I did believe and still do believe that abstract art has its place...not something to simply be sneared as just crap that anyone could do (yet i can agree with that statement on specific pieces but not on the whole of abstract art). There can be a lot of theory and philosophy behind it. Perhaps that's why I loved and still do love art. I remember trying to "see" something in the(Rothkos) paintings and telling my teacher so. It wasn't an attempt to appease my teacher, but an attempt to really show that I had some hidden eye for art...that I understood it, therefore be good at it. But I failed horribly. Specifically when we had to do our projects. I couldn't come up with any insightful thing to do. I sat on my stool envious as I watched fellow classmates come up with awesome work. Ok not like an awesomeness that would astound art academia, but what a 15 year old chica would wish to have in creativity and imagination. At that young age I became frustrated and gave up on art. I didn't take advanced art that next year and since then I have barely picked up a pencil.
It's funny as a child drawing came easier. At least in regard to subject matter. My small obsessions with horses and cats, and mountains still bring back the joyful memories in just spending countless hours drawing them. Except now I have the misfortune of having lost all those drawings in an accidental throwing away of papers. But worst, I have lost being engaged in subject matter that I would like to draw, or paint.

Anyways in reading about a current Rothko exhibition the following quote caught my attention.

This is a Rothko Painting:

"The fact that this sense of reverence is almost impossible to quite define is the essence of Rothko's appeal.
While established religion dies on its feet in Britain, few of us are outright atheists. The more brutally we are told that there is nothing there, the more convinced we seem to become that something - however unquantifiable - is."

Full article can be found at:http://www.telegraph.co.uk/arts/main.jhtml?xml=/arts/2008/09/25/barothko125.xml&page=2

And then in reading a blog related to the article this next quote struck deep into the actuality of my current view of Rothko. I wanted to see something in his work, but in retrospect to be honest with myself I never did. And after spending sometime in not believing in God or more specifically in the Real Presence in the Holy Eucharist this quote struck a synapse in the memory section of my brain.

"I have never felt such a philistine as when I went to the private view of the Rothko exhibition at Tate Modern. I just didn't get it. It was like being an atheist at holy communion."

You can find the full little blog at:
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/paul_gent/blog/2008/09/25/help__i_dont_like_rothko

i don't want to be by myself, but i don't know how to be around people anymore.
because of that because of how painful it is for me to be social i've backed out of facebook and really talking to most people and any means of keeping in touch-except for my email and cell.
Monday-Friday all is good, because work occupies most of my time. Of course then I look forward to having time off to rest from the stress of work, but after a couple of hours when I have decided to not do anything i find myself restless.
I'm not sure what I want or even need anymore.
Need? I don't need anything per se. I have work, money, food, a place to sleep.
Why complain? Why the meh?

Meh....nothing more but meh.

I dare for the world, for life, for God to wake me, bring me out of this slumber. To make me laugh, a hearty laugh that lifts the soul. God I ask that you help me love....love you and love others (even if i fear the tears that come with loving)That I may be able to live as you have once wanted us to live life.

Awake, o sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
and Christ shall give you light.
Light of the resurrection,
begotten before the morning star,
who gives life through His radiance.
Ancient baptismal acclamation

I sleep waiting for the dawn.

This weekend was a mixed bag of emotions. I had a great evening at the movies with my co-worker. We went to see Swing Vote and we then afterwards we munched on hamburgers and onion rings...while being silly outside on the patio. I need to be more silly sometimes. Saturday was of course errand day, got a haircut...its a bit shorter than usual. I told my best friend Ana, that this is going to be my "workout" haircut! ...let's see if it works out. Then Saturday evening I got all sad and depressed. Sleeping has been a battle everysingle night lately. So much emotions....sometimes I wake up in peace and other times I'm just angry or frustrated. Last night i had this dream about people keeping me from going to my Catholic Church---weird.
Despite an extreme case of anxiety that rushed through me since yesterday I met Orrin for Mass today and had lunch with him. I hadn't seen him all summer but now he's back in town.

Lots of things have been running through my mind lately. I have just sort of pondered the whole God as our Lord. I realize that growing up in a democracy I have a rather abstract textbook notion of unquestionable authority. Actually I have grown up to think opposite of that concept, to always be questioning authority and be a "critical thinker." I know that this has been in response to horrid atrocities enacted by tyrants that stifled any notion of questioning authority. But I'm becoming more aware of as a product of this it takes more of an effort on my part to truly be obedient to God and really meditate on God as being God. Yes, I've probably simplified modern history's philosophy without much explanation.

At this time I just want to pray for all the souls that find themselves suffering either physically, spiritually, emotionally, or psychologically. That God may comfort them during their time of need. And that those suffering may be able to unite their suffering with Christ. I know how difficult that can be. How often and easily we forget about God.

Psalm 88

LORD, my God, I call out by day; at night I cry aloud in your presence.

Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry.

² For my soul is filled with troubles; my life draws near to Sheol

I am reckoned with those who go down to the pit; I am weak, without strength.

My couch is among the dead, with the slain who lie in the grave. You remember them no more; they are cut off from your care.

You plunged me into the bottom of the pit, into the darkness of the abyss.

Your wrath lies heavy upon me; all your waves crash over me. Selah

Because of you my friends shun me; you make me loathsome to them;

Caged in, I cannot escape;my eyes grow dim from trouble.

All day I call on you, LORD; I stretch out my hands to you.1

³ Do you work wonders for the dead? Do the shades arise and praise you?

Selah Is your love proclaimed in the grave, your fidelity in the tomb?

Are your marvels declared in the darkness, your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

But I cry out to you, LORD; in the morning my prayer comes before you.

Why do you reject me, LORD? Why hide your face from me?

I am mortally afflicted since youth; lifeless, I suffer your terrible blows.

Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have reduced me to silence.

All the day they surge round like a flood; from every side they close in on me.

Because of you companions shun me; my only friend is darkness.

For some reason the oddest pop songs have been very likable to me like "Love Song" by Sara Barielles---i guess it's mostly the lyrics that started out like this:

A favorite pastime of mine is to go and peruse the latest bestsellers at the local Barnes & Nobles. I never purchase the books, it's just my way to check out what people are reading, or if I were some conspiracist what "the Man" is "pushing" us to read.  I like looking at the covers and finding myself perhaps a bit amused by clever titles. Yet it's the same type of books you will find. The latest gurus "sharing" how they became what we would want to become. It's the self-help books that really leave a bad taste in my thoughts. Don't get me wrong if a person has been helped by them I'm thankful for that, but I have not.
For me Self-Help books have a rather emptiness, lack of the personal, even naivete that exists also in New Age spirituality. Yes, it is serving that which we as humans search either consciously or unconsciously- happiness, self-fulfillment, lessening of suffering, meaning of life.

I remember as a child the allusions to Shangri  La, the mystical land where paradise existed. As I grew older I was taught about the lessons of history in it's attempt to create it's own Utopias including that of Communism/Marxism.  The idea of creating a world with peace and happiness always intrigued me as a child. I grew up Roman Catholic, but I only heard of a place known as heaven. This heaven was for when after you died. So one would still have to suffer this life.
In my college years I came into an intellectual contact with Buddhism. Of course Nirvana was alluring. Nothing is real. Not even pain. Ironically I read the Tibetan Book of the Dead, and the Dalai Lama's The Art of Happiness, and several other Buddhist and Taoist texts, before I even read a book in the Bible. I started "understanding" how subjective the world was. And at that time I gave into the idea of believing in truth with a lowercase 't'.

During this entire time the search became fruitless and impersonal. Like some of the self-help books that I had encountered in the past, it was extremely egoistic, even when it proclaimed it was not. I still was fascinated by the pluralism in culture, language and especially worldviews-religions. This eventually led to my major in Sociology and my minor in Religious Studies. In my personal interior life I had so much uncertainty to what life was about and nothing I encountered truly spoke to the question that washeld in my heart. Out of habit I continued on my return to the Catholic Church, in participating or simply hanging out with those professing themselves Catholics.

It was until one moment when having a conversation with a person who would become a dear friend that I witnessed what I can only recall as a moment of truth. I asked why he believed after not believing at all and he shared because it was true and he pointed towards the Bible. Since then I have seen how Truth (with a capital T) can possess a person, can transform a person. At this point I had come to realize that there is a Truth.

I often wonder for the people around me if they believe in Truth?

Thursday was hell for me. The chemical imbalance that charges my moods had me in the most aggravated state. I was so upset and just annoyed with myself and the world. I did my best to see if I could distract myself with a movie or shopping, but I found each distraction as a another occasion for anger, for disappointment. The best I can do these days is be moderately unhappy.
It's strange to be at the age of 27 and suffer from Depression and Anxiety and have what my doctors have called traits of Borderline Personality Disorder.  If you want to understand the "official definition" of all of that you may want to check out http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/complete-publication.shtml#pub1

Ha! Easily one can think that I'm some "crazy" person...don't worry I've wondered that  myself from time to time.
I'm under the care of a physician...(well, i'm in between dr's at the time, but hopefully Monday will change that).  I take my medication daily to manage the deep depressions that can and have incapacitated me. At one point I failed an entire semester of college and at another point I spent nearly 6months unemployed. I would never want to wish this personal hell onto anyone.

Now, well finding that I'm functional. In Psychiatry world i'm considered "high functioning"?! --because I can keep a full-time job and in some respects have a good circle of friends. Honestly I can only thank God for helping me get to where I am today.....to even considering returning to complete my Masters in Sociology.  Yet, at times this betterment can be an illusion or can misrepresent that fact that everyday is still a struggle. And that some days I am a torture unto myself. And that was Thursday....it became unbearable and i found myself in attempt at some relief texting my close friends to pray for me. And of course i just surrendered myself to God in prayer. It sounds easier than it seems.
At this time I'm in midst of experiencing a moderate depression that zaps my energy, leaving me very little really live life.

Love consumes us only in the measure of our self-surrender. -- St. Therese of Lisieux
At the end of our life, we shall all be judged by charity. -- St. John of the Cross