kamitlan

I really feel as if I should make this journey alone. Yet it's the feeling that's torn between isolation and desiring companionship. Almost as if I should just pack my bags and go on some journey...some pilgrimage, just me and the path.  Time passes and my desire to seek God, to seek his love and joy fades in and out of my consciousness. At times I'm distracted mildly by the worldly things, yet the illusion doesn't last long before I remember my ache for His presence. And yet I don't even know what that would really mean. I only know from what I have read and experiencing the opposite. My knowledge is knowledge by the negative or abstractly from others words, not by my own experience or thinking.
The depression has seemed to set. The fatigue is my new battleground, I just want to sleep all the time. I want to be cozy and warm and unconscious to this world. I don't feel much, my mind and emotions are dulled to almost a numbness. If I do feel something, it's a small anxiety or fear, but happiness, pleasure or laughter is lacking.  I'm tempted to just isolate from the world of my friends and honestly it would not be that hard to do since so many are busy with their own lives. This makes the aloneness more ingrained. And the few who are responsive, I'm surely I am becoming a bit of a bother or nuisance to them. I cling in fear of losing the small companionship I have. Probably if I didn't "feel" so insecure and alone, all of the busy lives of other people wouldn't be problematic. I should be thankful and grateful for the friends God has given me. Yet, I begin to wonder again, what do I offer in return, especially during these dark days of mine. I cannot be joyful or "fun".  I only have my pain to share and who wants that?
So back to this pilgrimage. I walk alone a bit. I might call out in the darkness and hope to hear a voice or even feel someone elses hand join mine. Perhaps someone will walk with me even if it's just to talk about the weather or to sit silently during the times of rest.