kamitlan

my lj should be called depressing journal. :(
still in this heavy state of depression, fighting back the tears at least once every 2 days. yes, its agonizing trying to find some courage to see outside myself and be hopeful? hopesome....yes hopesome.  I know i feel all lonely and I want to spend time with friends, but when i reach out the majority are busy. it wouldn't be so bad if i just didn't feel so harsh and being alone with my own thoughts makes it cut your soul.
I am trying to keep busy with reading for my class and not getting behind, but even that and work is not enough. I don't want to give into some sort of anger and become jaded in order to protect myself. Last time I did that I didn't talk to people for a long time. That led me nowhere.

So here's to just trying to keep it real. Struggling with the despair, but feeling the pain.

I feel much like an emotional leper. Please God heal this emotional leper.

I really feel as if I should make this journey alone. Yet it's the feeling that's torn between isolation and desiring companionship. Almost as if I should just pack my bags and go on some journey...some pilgrimage, just me and the path.  Time passes and my desire to seek God, to seek his love and joy fades in and out of my consciousness. At times I'm distracted mildly by the worldly things, yet the illusion doesn't last long before I remember my ache for His presence. And yet I don't even know what that would really mean. I only know from what I have read and experiencing the opposite. My knowledge is knowledge by the negative or abstractly from others words, not by my own experience or thinking.
The depression has seemed to set. The fatigue is my new battleground, I just want to sleep all the time. I want to be cozy and warm and unconscious to this world. I don't feel much, my mind and emotions are dulled to almost a numbness. If I do feel something, it's a small anxiety or fear, but happiness, pleasure or laughter is lacking.  I'm tempted to just isolate from the world of my friends and honestly it would not be that hard to do since so many are busy with their own lives. This makes the aloneness more ingrained. And the few who are responsive, I'm surely I am becoming a bit of a bother or nuisance to them. I cling in fear of losing the small companionship I have. Probably if I didn't "feel" so insecure and alone, all of the busy lives of other people wouldn't be problematic. I should be thankful and grateful for the friends God has given me. Yet, I begin to wonder again, what do I offer in return, especially during these dark days of mine. I cannot be joyful or "fun".  I only have my pain to share and who wants that?
So back to this pilgrimage. I walk alone a bit. I might call out in the darkness and hope to hear a voice or even feel someone elses hand join mine. Perhaps someone will walk with me even if it's just to talk about the weather or to sit silently during the times of rest. 

the world feels a bit chaotic now. Question. Would it be wrong to not read all the depressing news regarding the financial downturn? I sort of want to live under a rock, actually.

I find myself wrestling temptation more often, especially in just following God. The actual desire to go to Mass has somewhat left me. The last time I felt such an indifference towards Mass was when I had lost my faith. The distance between me and God is growing significantly.
I feel odd reaching out to my friends in faith. Odd perhaps, in many ways I "know" better. Once during a very low depression filled with doubt of God's love and wanting to give up, a friend asked, "Where are you gonna go if you leave the Church?"
My only response was, "Nowhere, there is nothing else that matters but God" It's true, despite my doubts I could only believe in the fullness of faith of the Catholic Church.

And now, stranded in my own world and thoughts. I just don't feel it. I know it's not about feeling, but I never was one with a strong will.

One of my Catholic friends told me just yesterday that she for some unknown inspiration has been praying for me and having me as an intention for daily Mass for the past few weeks. Weird. Holy Spirit? Perhaps, I haven't told her about my faith struggles. Of course this gives me good reason to realize that God still wants me and loves me. Of course he does...I just feel lost.

This weekend was a mixed bag of emotions. I had a great evening at the movies with my co-worker. We went to see Swing Vote and we then afterwards we munched on hamburgers and onion rings...while being silly outside on the patio. I need to be more silly sometimes. Saturday was of course errand day, got a haircut...its a bit shorter than usual. I told my best friend Ana, that this is going to be my "workout" haircut! ...let's see if it works out. Then Saturday evening I got all sad and depressed. Sleeping has been a battle everysingle night lately. So much emotions....sometimes I wake up in peace and other times I'm just angry or frustrated. Last night i had this dream about people keeping me from going to my Catholic Church---weird.
Despite an extreme case of anxiety that rushed through me since yesterday I met Orrin for Mass today and had lunch with him. I hadn't seen him all summer but now he's back in town.

Lots of things have been running through my mind lately. I have just sort of pondered the whole God as our Lord. I realize that growing up in a democracy I have a rather abstract textbook notion of unquestionable authority. Actually I have grown up to think opposite of that concept, to always be questioning authority and be a "critical thinker." I know that this has been in response to horrid atrocities enacted by tyrants that stifled any notion of questioning authority. But I'm becoming more aware of as a product of this it takes more of an effort on my part to truly be obedient to God and really meditate on God as being God. Yes, I've probably simplified modern history's philosophy without much explanation.

At this time I just want to pray for all the souls that find themselves suffering either physically, spiritually, emotionally, or psychologically. That God may comfort them during their time of need. And that those suffering may be able to unite their suffering with Christ. I know how difficult that can be. How often and easily we forget about God.

Psalm 88

LORD, my God, I call out by day; at night I cry aloud in your presence.

Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry.

² For my soul is filled with troubles; my life draws near to Sheol

I am reckoned with those who go down to the pit; I am weak, without strength.

My couch is among the dead, with the slain who lie in the grave. You remember them no more; they are cut off from your care.

You plunged me into the bottom of the pit, into the darkness of the abyss.

Your wrath lies heavy upon me; all your waves crash over me. Selah

Because of you my friends shun me; you make me loathsome to them;

Caged in, I cannot escape;my eyes grow dim from trouble.

All day I call on you, LORD; I stretch out my hands to you.1

³ Do you work wonders for the dead? Do the shades arise and praise you?

Selah Is your love proclaimed in the grave, your fidelity in the tomb?

Are your marvels declared in the darkness, your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

But I cry out to you, LORD; in the morning my prayer comes before you.

Why do you reject me, LORD? Why hide your face from me?

I am mortally afflicted since youth; lifeless, I suffer your terrible blows.

Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have reduced me to silence.

All the day they surge round like a flood; from every side they close in on me.

Because of you companions shun me; my only friend is darkness.

Bleh, had the chills and went to the doctor to get better. It's icky to be sick during the summer or any time in particular.

So again I was reminded at the clinic about my weight or actually overweight situation. Technically I'm like 100lbs over my ideal weight. So like every other time I went I got the same spiel about heart disease and diabetes and just dying early.
I know i have gained about 60lbs in the past 5 years, partially due to medications for my depression and then lack of desire to engage in any activity. Of course being overweight can be a contributing factor to my depression-because of that whole lack of healthy self-image and self-esteem.
And yes I have heard that exercise is supposed to be helpful with the whole happy endorphins...i just i have no desire to "work out"...
Depressed Skeptics as I am makes it heard to believe exercise will make me feel better about myself.
Motivation for losing weight because of health concerns-very low.
Motivation for losing weight because of aesthetic reasons- very low-to non existent.

As my mother said, I'm in a battle with myself.

Thursday was hell for me. The chemical imbalance that charges my moods had me in the most aggravated state. I was so upset and just annoyed with myself and the world. I did my best to see if I could distract myself with a movie or shopping, but I found each distraction as a another occasion for anger, for disappointment. The best I can do these days is be moderately unhappy.
It's strange to be at the age of 27 and suffer from Depression and Anxiety and have what my doctors have called traits of Borderline Personality Disorder.  If you want to understand the "official definition" of all of that you may want to check out http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/complete-publication.shtml#pub1

Ha! Easily one can think that I'm some "crazy" person...don't worry I've wondered that  myself from time to time.
I'm under the care of a physician...(well, i'm in between dr's at the time, but hopefully Monday will change that).  I take my medication daily to manage the deep depressions that can and have incapacitated me. At one point I failed an entire semester of college and at another point I spent nearly 6months unemployed. I would never want to wish this personal hell onto anyone.

Now, well finding that I'm functional. In Psychiatry world i'm considered "high functioning"?! --because I can keep a full-time job and in some respects have a good circle of friends. Honestly I can only thank God for helping me get to where I am today.....to even considering returning to complete my Masters in Sociology.  Yet, at times this betterment can be an illusion or can misrepresent that fact that everyday is still a struggle. And that some days I am a torture unto myself. And that was Thursday....it became unbearable and i found myself in attempt at some relief texting my close friends to pray for me. And of course i just surrendered myself to God in prayer. It sounds easier than it seems.
At this time I'm in midst of experiencing a moderate depression that zaps my energy, leaving me very little really live life.

Love consumes us only in the measure of our self-surrender. -- St. Therese of Lisieux
At the end of our life, we shall all be judged by charity. -- St. John of the Cross

What do you say on your last session with your therapist? How do you say the goodbyes, when you don't want to. Of course your therapist won't let you off easy and let you try to change the conversation. Of course I had to own up to how I felt.  It's ok to feel sad-that's what she tells me. But I don't want to be sad! my mind screams, yet I mutter slowly. I didn't go through the usual frustration of thinking how its going to be annoying for the first few weeks when I get someone new and I have to retell my whole past and get them up to speed. Once you have done it more than twice it gets easier and saying goodbye gets easier I suppose. I don't know, I may just  be more indifferent to it. I really try not to think about it more than the necessary. I don't attempt to delve deeper in my troublesome waters of emotion.
So, I had my last session with my psychiatrist, yesterday. She was completing her residency, therefore ending my time with her. Now, I'm kind of in therapy limbo. I'm sad that I don't have her anymore and like my last 2 therapists I'll miss her dearly.  I don't like change at all and I hate goodbyes, but I have gotten a bit better to simply just whisk through them. But in the last 2 transitions I had a new doctor to depend on, at this time I don't....i'm in therapy limbo.
I had made an appt with a new therapist this week, but after meeting with her i came to the conclusion it was not going to work out.
So now I feel a bit abandoned or alone. Hopefully it doesn't spiral into anything worse than just missing a person.

My mom has to go to Mexico tomorrow to help out with taking care of my grandmother. I know that hasn't helped with me feeling secure and happy. But I know she has to go and see her own mother. Things have gotten a bit more difficult with the care of my grandmother.

I've thought about it for a couple of times. I think I want to pick up archery.  Maybe that will be my new hobby.

At least kitty and doggy haven't left.