- healing mass...
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kamitlan- July 7th, 2008
I'm not sure if I told you about my experience at the Healing Mass I went to about 3 weeks ago. Just to clarify: I wasn't miraculously healed that day.
Sister Kim, my spiritual director( who I haven't visited in like a LONG time) sent me an email inviting me to the Healing Mass at the Villa de Matel Convent. Honestly the reason I went was really to have something to do on a Friday evening. AND I have been wanting to attend Mass at the Villa de Matel Chapel for the longest time (probably for like 2 years now) I was downplaying the whole notion of it being a Healing Mass. My mom on the other hand was all excited that I was going to go. I can't say that God can't "heal" me, but my doubts outweigh my faith in the regard of someone laying of hands leading to my healing. I should probably be chastised to have more faith.
So I went. The clear majority (about 85%)of people attending the Mass were either Vietnamese or Filipino, yet thankfully the Mass was in English. I was quite nervous the entire time of Mass and did my best to sit in the back in order to be close to Sister Kim. Weird enough I just wanted to hug her the entire time. I did at some point just hold her hand. In many ways she feels like a mother to me. Actually many of the sisters in her order (Sisters of the Charity of the Incarnate Word) always feel rather kind to me.
I didn't catch which order of Priest's celebrating the Mass, but I noticed that there were three priests. After the Homily, we were asked to come to receive the sacrament of anointing of the sick. During the Mass and especially during the Homily, I was thinking about faith and especially that story of the woman who touches Jesus garment and is healed by her own faith. And I'm wondering??? Can I let go and let God? Do I have the faith that truly God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit can perform any miracle. And what if I did have that faith but it wasn't God's will to heal me. Would I know that? or just find myself questioning my faith? My thoughts were racing as I stood in line with everyone else as we stepped towards the altar to have the priests anoint us. Anxiously I looked around and also wondered about everyone's faith there...what ailed them? Perhaps some of them had terrible life-threatening diseases. I noticed some were being aided on their way to the altar and it brought to mind the story of the paralytic whose friends bring him in from the roof to have Jesus heal him. My heart was just so full of emotion to realize that love could be so great for another they would do anything for their healing. And I just felt like I wanted to cry because I knew that more than likely for obvious reasons everyone was there because they were suffering in some form or another and they wanted to be healed.
And then it was my turn. During these times like when taking the Eucharist I have an excruciating time quieting my mind and being mindful. Although when I take the Eucharist I understand that it is the body and blood of Jesus. So I try to open myself to the presence of Jesus. (not that I'm completely successful every time) But anointing of the sick? What do I do? just stand there blankly or do I "pray" along? I felt like a child-simply bewildered. I was face to face with the priest and he anointed my head and started speaking in tongues. Not Vietnamese, or Filipino...no I've heard speaking of tongues before and this was it. Yet unlike the previous times I've heard people speak in tongues I wasn't frightened or disturbed but just a bit fascinated. I walked back to my pew to sort of think things out with God. I knew we still had Holy Communion and after the Mass they were going to do prayer and laying of hands.
I sort of let myself relax after I walked back to the pew. I also decided to accept that I it wasn't wrong for me to be there seeking healing, because I am sick. It may be strange but I was even wrestling with the concept of whether I needed healing.
Back in the line. I was back in the line when it came to the laying of hands but instead of just the three priests they had two older sisters who were also going to pray over people. Before it all started they asked for volunteers to help out. I soon learned this was for those who would be overcome by the Holy Spirit. I decided to have one of the Sisters pray over me because she was really kind when I came into Mass that evening. That may seem a bit superficial but I simply was too anxious to put myself in even more uncomfortable settings. Approaching the Sister seemed comfortable.
Although this may sound a bit far fetched, people were falling left and right as there were overcome by the Holy Spirit during the laying of hands. So when I came up to the Sister to have her pray over me I was mixed between faith and skepticism. But I thought to only ask God to help me. I wondered if the Sister would be able to know what my illness was or did she just pray. I was curious to know what gifts she had. Her prayers was an interchangeable of speaking in tongues and the name of Jesus. And no I wasn't overcome by the Holy Spirit. I was afraid of losing myself in that way though. I remember her last words to me were "Give it up to God". I was on my way walking back to my seat a bit disappointed. I realized that I had in someway hoped for a miracle but found myself unresolved in regards to being healed. I still felt the same. Then I thought what if its one of those slow healing processes and this is the beginning. But no, I realized things were the same for me, except for one thing. Instead of leaving then since it was over for me I felt drawn to return and simply watch the people being prayed over. Maybe God hadn't healed me but perhaps I could "witness" God performing a miracle on another...I'm not sure. There aren't many words to describe what pulled me back to the side and just stand there watching as everyone passed through.
Perhaps it's the sociologist in me. I just stood there and watched. Once again I had the feeling of being like a child seeing something for the first time. From my observations I made a distinction that some people were truly being overcome by the Holy Spirit and others were simply letting themselves go. There were a couple of times that because of lack of helpers I stood by to help lay people on the floor or simply help them get up.
I did witness one very interesting event of a woman who started shaking --practically convulsing. My guess is that she was possessed or something because a second priest was called in to pray over her as well.
The entire time I realized that the praying was low key. Despite the several people laying on the floor and that woman the whole event wasn't drawing attention to itself. It was as much as it could be private.
Yet during this time was when i experienced the oddest of all things. In order not to get in the way I was standing in front of one of the beautiful marble pillars. I concentrated most of my observations on the interaction between the person praying and the person being prayed on. And then at one point I simply practically felt as if I was going limp. My legs gave out on me and my back slowly slid down the pillar. I found myself sitting on the floor of the Church. I sat there for a few seconds before I could actually stand up. I was dumbfounded and I realized that no one noticed. I got back up but I felt as if I was about fall again.So I took hold of the pillar and beared my weight so that I wouldn't slide down again. To be honest I don't know what happened there. I can't say it was due to me locking my knees b/c usually that makes you feel faint and I didn't feel faint.
I stayed around a bit longer to help some people get up since many had already left to go home and there were less helpers. At the point that only one priest was left praying, I decided that it was time to go home. I was tired. It had been a long evening.
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- kamitlan
- January 12th, 2008
"In some way we want life itself, true life, untouched even by death; yet at the same time we do not know the thing towards which we feel driven. We cannot stop reaching out for it, and yet we know that all we can experience or accomplish is not what we yearn for. This unknown “thing” is the true “hope” which drives us, and at the same time the fact that it is unknown is the cause of all forms of despair and also of all efforts, whether positive or destructive, directed towards worldly authenticity and human authenticity." Pope Benedict "Spe Salvi"
sleepy
contemplative