do penguins get colds, i mean many of them just hang out in the snow.... Well I got some nasty cough now. Two LONG days at work, Friday was a prospective student event and today was HHF Career and Education Day. Just exhausted and as they day went on my cough got horribly worse. Stopped at Walgreens to get some Robitussin and Cough Drops and Puffs Plus tissues. I've never bought Puffs, usually been a Kleenex girl, but I guess I wanted to see how this tissues with lotion feel like. Pretty nice. They aren't greasy or anything. Well I also bought water and Ricola Cough Drops...yeah i'm pretty picky with cough drops. I don't like Halls or anything super strong, i just like the Ricola Natural Herb. No, I'm not a spokesperson, just picky about cough drops. I'm so not super excited about this, already had the flu like 2weeks ago and just so emotionally unstable-my body is just out of whack. I haven't been able to go back to the gym. I had hoped to do that tomorrow.
Well, I'm gonna go to bed soon now. Probably do some more reading for class, so I can write my summary and discussion question.
It cracked me up in the last class how one of the students replied to his own observation- "well, that could be an ecological fallacy by my part"...---ohh big words. cracks me up when people use big terminology to sound all fancy. He was also the same guy who brought up Freud to compare one of the readings. Bleh Freud, really your bringing up Totem and Taboo?! The trying to be fancy intellectual is a bit annoying, perhaps because I'm a bit that way myself. I'm a bit of Catholic intellectual snob, that tries to keep it low key. Only use big words when necessary and watch which philosophies you follow.
That reminds me. So in class we were discussing do people file lawsuits for their own well-being or because they desire to make a change to the law for the good of others. Well, evidence shows that most of the time they will settle out of court instead of continue to trial to make a real change in law. The point of American Individualism was brought up, that as Americans we are more likely only to look out for our own individual interests. One my classmates was honest and declared that she would probably settle for her own individual interests than make a choice that may bring about change for the greater good. Because most of the time people think "well someone else can be 'that person'-the other that stands up also for others" Most everyone in the class nodded with affirmation/approval as if to acknowledge similar sentiments---the let someone else be the "helper".... I chimed in with, "I'll be "that person-the other" ... because for me I guess with my Catholic upbringing, I would greatly consider to file a lawsuit not simply for my own interest but so that others may not have to experience similar injustices. I would be that person. Not trying to be heroic, I wanted to do my best to show that we aren't subject indefinitely by the American Protestant Individualism ideology that can be so selfish and uncharitable. The class seemed relieved that "that person" existed, but immediately dismissed my empowerment by saying " well I guess you'll be the one in the jail cell" I suppose to suggesting I'd be some crazed activist who would end up controlled by the government. I only wish they understood that sometimes we must realize we are all interconnected- Catholic term-part of the Mystical Body of Christ.
I can only imagine the discussion when we cover Roe v. Wade. :/
- do penguins get colds?
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kamitlan- February 7th, 21:18
- Emotionally Nauseous
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- kamitlan
- November 5th, 2008
empty
Emotionally nauseous is the metaphor I use for how I felt yesterday. The entire day I was extremely lethargic, but I had to be in the office and meet with students and get some projects done. My lethargy required a venti mocha at 2pm just to get through to 5pm. I was restless and almost numb to any real emotions. I also shut out any conversations dealing with the election because of my anxiety towards it.
I did however manage to move on my inclination to go to 7pm Mass at SVDP and spend maybe at least 5mins in adoration. I wanted to be with Jesus. I wanted for Jesus to heal me a bit somehow. I was beginning to become very restless and with no real emotions. I wanted that to just STOP.
A friend of mine called me when I was driving home from this long troublesome day and I was uncertain whether to answer. In all honesty I was upset with him b/c he had not told me about his dating someone for several months. I had just found out a week ago by accident through a different source. Another friend of mine confirmed via Facebook. Perhaps I shouldn't be upset because I chose not to be on Facebook, but I hate that in this culture we rely so heavily on a lazy way of communicating the important things in our lives. I am more of the personal one to one contact with people. Anyways I did pick up the phone and had the awkward conversation that I had wished to avoid.
Basically he was calling me to "tell me about this" . I let him know that I knew. He was surprised by that since he knows i'm not on facebook.
And then he told me how much he considered me as a friend and had wanted to let me know before he even posted in on facebook....(that was several months ago- throught the past few months of phone tag he never did he left me a msg saying he had something impt to share-he always called but didn't leave a msg) So now he wanted to share this with me AND he wanted to know if I was ok with it. Honestly I was more upset that it had seemed he had moved on and cared little to share what was going on in his life all this time then the simple fact he was dating someone.
This alone had created a very upsetting episode last week when I found out. I was very upset when I realized he hadn't shared this with me all this time, but I suppose I have to be forgiving now that he called me. <sigh>
Oh, and he asked how I was doing and as much as I was reluctant to let him know that things have been an emotional rollercoaster I did tell him that. I told him that I was pretty down lately- I didn't want to lie. His response was to tell me to try to be more positive, that if i had just a little more positive outlook my life would be better (argh! stab in the heart) Let me give a bit of advice to anyone who reads this. Never tell a person who has depression to just be positive. It may seem like a noble suggestion but it kills a depressed person inside. If I could be "more positive" umm yeah I would do that. Ironically I had to end the phone call because I had to pick up my anti-depressants at the pharmacy.
I finally got home around 9pm and stayed up online and watching MASH episodes to make me laugh a bit. Then I read some more CS Lewis on The Problem of Pain and then I decided to take some sedatives to knock me out around midnight. I just wanted to feel nothing.
My brain is so chemically unbalanced. I want to believe that there is some good to who I am. I wasn't always this horrible. <sigh>
- breathing gets harder
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- kamitlan
- July 29th, 2008
sick
For some reason the oddest pop songs have been very likable to me like "Love Song" by Sara Barielles---i guess it's mostly the lyrics that started out like this:Head underwater
And they tell me
To breathe easy
for a while
Breathing gets harder, even
I know that
Made room for me;
it's too
soon to see
If I'm happy in
your hands
unusually hard to hold on toBlank stares at
blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this
hard on meI'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one,
you see
I'm not gonna write you
a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
Or you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to
stay
If all you have is leavin',
Imma need a better reason
To write you
a love song today, today, yea.... (there is more lyrics....)It's not in anyway some amazingly brilliant song, but the piano has a sort of upbeat tone that really draws me and always sparks me to sing out loud to the chorus whenever I hear it ---even in public spaces such as that time I was in the apple store. I like the story behind the song b/c the singer/songwriter was being asked by her music producer people that she needed a love song and this is the song that she wrote.
The past few days at work have been interesting with the A/C not working quite at it's potential. So they had big industrial fans brought in---(they look like something from the 1950's) It's been quite busy which is good ;keeps me on task. A friend of mine got hired the week I was out in Iowa for the same team I work in and thats been an interesting change for me. Oddly I don't like to mix my personal friends with my work friends...Its just weird to me. But maybe this is a good change. He's a really good Catholic guy and always very positive. I think I need to witness the positive expression of the Catholic faith. I'm still struggling emotionally and spiritually with many things, but I have kind have pinpointed the center of my disappointment/resentment. Well there are 2 big things, one mainly deals with just seeing a lot of the injustices and evil that causes suffering for people and often the indifference they receive from others. The second is more personal and relates to my personal social life where I feel that I've been left sort of abandoned. I enjoyed a great friendship that in some way brought on a renewal in my faith more for the sake of my friend than for me. To make the story short, I now find myself a bit bitter since now I don't have the same company of my friend and said friend has now been able to thrive in their faith and even have someone else to share that with. I'm not sure if it's all clear, but none the less I'm left feeling alone and not really having anyone to talk about faith and really be close friends with. I know that I have tried to be friends with the Catholic people in the Houston area, but I always feel out of place. I wish at times it just felt like home.
God forgive me, but i'm bitter listening to those speak about marriage or happy couples. And lately I just avoid that scene all together. Someone could ask am I jealous? Because it's sinful to be jealous. All this I know. I don't in any way want to take away from those who find themselves fortunate enough to be in meaningful relationships, I just get real sad to realize that I lack those.
I'm probably not making sense because I think I'm running a fever right now. Today I was sick/sleepy at work all day long. I am even experiencing chills. Probably just go see the doctor tomorrow morning. Uggh i just feel uggh. My body is sick, my soul and mind are broken.
I'm carrying a lot of sadness with me.
Its frustrating to try to just be happy with how things are because that is God's will. How can you reconcile your desire to follow God's will and the reality that you are unhappy with where God has you now?
- healing mass...
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- kamitlan
- July 7th, 2008
sleepy
I'm not sure if I told you about my experience at the Healing Mass I went to about 3 weeks ago. Just to clarify: I wasn't miraculously healed that day.
Sister Kim, my spiritual director( who I haven't visited in like a LONG time) sent me an email inviting me to the Healing Mass at the Villa de Matel Convent. Honestly the reason I went was really to have something to do on a Friday evening. AND I have been wanting to attend Mass at the Villa de Matel Chapel for the longest time (probably for like 2 years now) I was downplaying the whole notion of it being a Healing Mass. My mom on the other hand was all excited that I was going to go. I can't say that God can't "heal" me, but my doubts outweigh my faith in the regard of someone laying of hands leading to my healing. I should probably be chastised to have more faith.
So I went. The clear majority (about 85%)of people attending the Mass were either Vietnamese or Filipino, yet thankfully the Mass was in English. I was quite nervous the entire time of Mass and did my best to sit in the back in order to be close to Sister Kim. Weird enough I just wanted to hug her the entire time. I did at some point just hold her hand. In many ways she feels like a mother to me. Actually many of the sisters in her order (Sisters of the Charity of the Incarnate Word) always feel rather kind to me.
I didn't catch which order of Priest's celebrating the Mass, but I noticed that there were three priests. After the Homily, we were asked to come to receive the sacrament of anointing of the sick. During the Mass and especially during the Homily, I was thinking about faith and especially that story of the woman who touches Jesus garment and is healed by her own faith. And I'm wondering??? Can I let go and let God? Do I have the faith that truly God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit can perform any miracle. And what if I did have that faith but it wasn't God's will to heal me. Would I know that? or just find myself questioning my faith? My thoughts were racing as I stood in line with everyone else as we stepped towards the altar to have the priests anoint us. Anxiously I looked around and also wondered about everyone's faith there...what ailed them? Perhaps some of them had terrible life-threatening diseases. I noticed some were being aided on their way to the altar and it brought to mind the story of the paralytic whose friends bring him in from the roof to have Jesus heal him. My heart was just so full of emotion to realize that love could be so great for another they would do anything for their healing. And I just felt like I wanted to cry because I knew that more than likely for obvious reasons everyone was there because they were suffering in some form or another and they wanted to be healed.
And then it was my turn. During these times like when taking the Eucharist I have an excruciating time quieting my mind and being mindful. Although when I take the Eucharist I understand that it is the body and blood of Jesus. So I try to open myself to the presence of Jesus. (not that I'm completely successful every time) But anointing of the sick? What do I do? just stand there blankly or do I "pray" along? I felt like a child-simply bewildered. I was face to face with the priest and he anointed my head and started speaking in tongues. Not Vietnamese, or Filipino...no I've heard speaking of tongues before and this was it. Yet unlike the previous times I've heard people speak in tongues I wasn't frightened or disturbed but just a bit fascinated. I walked back to my pew to sort of think things out with God. I knew we still had Holy Communion and after the Mass they were going to do prayer and laying of hands.
I sort of let myself relax after I walked back to the pew. I also decided to accept that I it wasn't wrong for me to be there seeking healing, because I am sick. It may be strange but I was even wrestling with the concept of whether I needed healing.
Back in the line. I was back in the line when it came to the laying of hands but instead of just the three priests they had two older sisters who were also going to pray over people. Before it all started they asked for volunteers to help out. I soon learned this was for those who would be overcome by the Holy Spirit. I decided to have one of the Sisters pray over me because she was really kind when I came into Mass that evening. That may seem a bit superficial but I simply was too anxious to put myself in even more uncomfortable settings. Approaching the Sister seemed comfortable.
Although this may sound a bit far fetched, people were falling left and right as there were overcome by the Holy Spirit during the laying of hands. So when I came up to the Sister to have her pray over me I was mixed between faith and skepticism. But I thought to only ask God to help me. I wondered if the Sister would be able to know what my illness was or did she just pray. I was curious to know what gifts she had. Her prayers was an interchangeable of speaking in tongues and the name of Jesus. And no I wasn't overcome by the Holy Spirit. I was afraid of losing myself in that way though. I remember her last words to me were "Give it up to God". I was on my way walking back to my seat a bit disappointed. I realized that I had in someway hoped for a miracle but found myself unresolved in regards to being healed. I still felt the same. Then I thought what if its one of those slow healing processes and this is the beginning. But no, I realized things were the same for me, except for one thing. Instead of leaving then since it was over for me I felt drawn to return and simply watch the people being prayed over. Maybe God hadn't healed me but perhaps I could "witness" God performing a miracle on another...I'm not sure. There aren't many words to describe what pulled me back to the side and just stand there watching as everyone passed through.
Perhaps it's the sociologist in me. I just stood there and watched. Once again I had the feeling of being like a child seeing something for the first time. From my observations I made a distinction that some people were truly being overcome by the Holy Spirit and others were simply letting themselves go. There were a couple of times that because of lack of helpers I stood by to help lay people on the floor or simply help them get up.
I did witness one very interesting event of a woman who started shaking --practically convulsing. My guess is that she was possessed or something because a second priest was called in to pray over her as well.
The entire time I realized that the praying was low key. Despite the several people laying on the floor and that woman the whole event wasn't drawing attention to itself. It was as much as it could be private.
Yet during this time was when i experienced the oddest of all things. In order not to get in the way I was standing in front of one of the beautiful marble pillars. I concentrated most of my observations on the interaction between the person praying and the person being prayed on. And then at one point I simply practically felt as if I was going limp. My legs gave out on me and my back slowly slid down the pillar. I found myself sitting on the floor of the Church. I sat there for a few seconds before I could actually stand up. I was dumbfounded and I realized that no one noticed. I got back up but I felt as if I was about fall again.So I took hold of the pillar and beared my weight so that I wouldn't slide down again. To be honest I don't know what happened there. I can't say it was due to me locking my knees b/c usually that makes you feel faint and I didn't feel faint.
I stayed around a bit longer to help some people get up since many had already left to go home and there were less helpers. At the point that only one priest was left praying, I decided that it was time to go home. I was tired. It had been a long evening.
- (no subject)
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- kamitlan
- January 12th, 2008
contemplative
"In some way we want life itself, true life, untouched even by death; yet at the same time we do not know the thing towards which we feel driven. We cannot stop reaching out for it, and yet we know that all we can experience or accomplish is not what we yearn for. This unknown “thing” is the true “hope” which drives us, and at the same time the fact that it is unknown is the cause of all forms of despair and also of all efforts, whether positive or destructive, directed towards worldly authenticity and human authenticity." Pope Benedict "Spe Salvi"