Emotionally nauseous is the metaphor I use for how I felt yesterday. The entire day I was extremely lethargic, but I had to be in the office and meet with students and get some projects done. My lethargy required a venti mocha at 2pm just to get through to 5pm. I was restless and almost numb to any real emotions. I also shut out any conversations dealing with the election because of my anxiety towards it.
I did however manage to move on my inclination to go to 7pm Mass at SVDP and spend maybe at least 5mins in adoration. I wanted to be with Jesus. I wanted for Jesus to heal me a bit somehow. I was beginning to become very restless and with no real emotions. I wanted that to just STOP.
A friend of mine called me when I was driving home from this long troublesome day and I was uncertain whether to answer. In all honesty I was upset with him b/c he had not told me about his dating someone for several months. I had just found out a week ago by accident through a different source. Another friend of mine confirmed via Facebook. Perhaps I shouldn't be upset because I chose not to be on Facebook, but I hate that in this culture we rely so heavily on a lazy way of communicating the important things in our lives. I am more of the personal one to one contact with people. Anyways I did pick up the phone and had the awkward conversation that I had wished to avoid.
Basically he was calling me to "tell me about this" . I let him know that I knew. He was surprised by that since he knows i'm not on facebook.
And then he told me how much he considered me as a friend and had wanted to let me know before he even posted in on facebook....(that was several months ago- throught the past few months of phone tag he never did he left me a msg saying he had something impt to share-he always called but didn't leave a msg) So now he wanted to share this with me AND he wanted to know if I was ok with it. Honestly I was more upset that it had seemed he had moved on and cared little to share what was going on in his life all this time then the simple fact he was dating someone.
This alone had created a very upsetting episode last week when I found out. I was very upset when I realized he hadn't shared this with me all this time, but I suppose I have to be forgiving now that he called me. <sigh>
Oh, and he asked how I was doing and as much as I was reluctant to let him know that things have been an emotional rollercoaster I did tell him that. I told him that I was pretty down lately- I didn't want to lie. His response was to tell me to try to be more positive, that if i had just a little more positive outlook my life would be better (argh! stab in the heart) Let me give a bit of advice to anyone who reads this. Never tell a person who has depression to just be positive. It may seem like a noble suggestion but it kills a depressed person inside. If I could be "more positive" umm yeah I would do that. Ironically I had to end the phone call because I had to pick up my anti-depressants at the pharmacy.
I finally got home around 9pm and stayed up online and watching MASH episodes to make me laugh a bit. Then I read some more CS Lewis on The Problem of Pain and then I decided to take some sedatives to knock me out around midnight. I just wanted to feel nothing.
My brain is so chemically unbalanced. I want to believe that there is some good to who I am. I wasn't always this horrible. <sigh>
- Emotionally Nauseous
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kamitlan- November 5th, 2008
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