kamitlan

Merry Christmas, my friends

I love you!

This song has been on my mind for a while, but especially today.  I need to work on the pretending everything is OK part.  It's not, but I need to make more of an effort of making people think it is, I guess.  It's hard when you feel like half of you has been ripped away to move on and pick up the pieces. 

Yes, J moved out over 8 months ago, but the divorce was only final the first of the month, and there is still the annulment to go through, which could take a year.  The process is long from over.  I wish I could just get over it, and move on, but when you are stuck dealing with it, that is hard to do.  

One of my friends brought up an easy way for me to "get over it," go out and have a lot of sex with a lot of random people, but I know that will only escalate the problem, and make me feel worse in the long run, although, I have to admit at times, it seems somewhat tempting.  Actually, that is why I don't even want to date, it wouldn't be fair to some guy to be my rebound.  Tempting as some offers may be.

The holidays are making things harder too, I had a little bit of a breakdown on Thanksgiving because I miss some of J's family, and Christmas brings to mind other family members of his I won't see.  I sent some of them Christmas cards, I hope that wasn't inappropriate, but I miss some of them. 

Everything is so complicated.  That's why I decided to go back to therapy, I guess maybe I am not handling this as well as David (my therapist) and I thought.  I just feel so alone a lot of the time, even when I am surrounded by people.  It's hard to get up everyday and put on a brave face to go out into the world when your insides feel ripped to shreds.  

I kind of hate myself right now, and I can see why others feel that way about me too.  Maybe I should be over this.  Maybe I do suck at life, it sure feels like it right now.

"Learning to Live Again" by Garth Brooks
I burned my hand, I cut my face
Heaven knows how long it's been
Since I've felt so out of place
I'm wonderin' if I'll fit in.

Debbie and Charley said they'd be here by nine
And Deb said she might bring a friend
Just my luck, they're right on time
So here I go again.

I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see
That learning to live again is killing me.

Little cafe, table for four
But there's just conversation for three
I like the way she let me get the door
I wonder what she thinks of me.
Debbie just whispered, "You're doin' fine"
And I wish that I felt the same
She's asked me to dance, now her hand's in mine
Oh, my god, I've forgotten her name.

But I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see
That learning to live again is killing me.

Now here we are beneath her porch light
And I say what a great time it's been
A kiss on the cheek, a whisper goodnight
And I say, "can I see you again".

And she just smiles her best smile
And she laughs like it's going out of style
Looks into my eyes and says, "We'll see"

Oh this learning to live again is killing me
God this learning to live again is killing me