kamitlan

these past few days have just about gotten to me. Externally things are ok, but underneath my anxiety just runs through my veins. I am tired and restless. Even reading has lost it's appeal. None of my books interest me, nor much of television. I try to nap just to make it go away. A lot of thoughts are running through my brain, some that I wish to ignore. Like what  I want to do with my life, my purpose. Perhaps I shouldn't be so serious right not.  I slept till 11 today, that is probably contributing to my not being sleepy right now. I wonder when this will calm down. Hopefully tomorrow...I need some relief.

sometimes after the fall you get back up and by the time you dust yourself off and check for any major injuries you might realize that you have no idea where you were headed. you are left a bit lost. you almost wish you were left on the ground unconscious. that would be much easier. you aren't expected to do much when you are unconscious. i suppose i speak from a view that finds myself with difficulty in moving towards the future.

Finally got back from Chicago. I'm tired, but that tired that somehow you can't get to bed.
So much running through my head-and really none of these thoughts are that interesting. Why can't thoughts that constantly run through your head be interesting and not just like work and random life issues.

So its been actually more than 24 hrs here in Chicago. This is by far the northernest I have ever been in my life. Yep, I beat the Cedar Rapids, IA northern point. To be honest I wasn't exactly enthused about this business trip except for the fact of having the opportunity to see Lake Michigan. Apparently Lake Michigan really does exist, although I haven't been able to really "see" it. I'm staying at the Hilton Chicago. Let me say "wow", the place is lush. It has an extravagant entrance with beautiful decor with a doorman who wears one of those Russian winter hats. I kinda want to take a picture with him. I'm not sure if he would want to. And the elevator lobby felt like I was in the movie Serendipity. You know elevator scene in the Waldorf-Astoria where John Cusack is trying to run into his newly found soul mate. No, I haven't run into any soulmates as of yet. But the elevators have TV's! Yes, you can watch the TV while experiencing the awkward silence of being in close proximity to strangers in closed areas. This is genius! It's mostly CNN so I've just been able to keep up with this new Pirates of Somalia episode.
Walking around the city blocks have been a new experience. I've come to realize that I really haven't walked in a downtown setting. Yes, this city is windy and it's rainy and cold today. It was basically rather wintry. Yay for bringing scarf and jacket, but somehow I had to walk around with 1 glove. I don't know where the other went in my hotel room. The wind from the lake makes the drizzle sting your face. That was a cool feeling. DePaul University and Columbia Art School are located next to my hotel. Randomly to warm up I ran into the the Contemporary Center for Photography-I think thats what it was called. Small gallery with installations and photographs/art. I caught myself in a moment of self-reflection as I looked at the works. I thought about how hard we work at trying to make meaningful things or making things meaningful. Of course during this deep moment of thought I realized that my jeans had a small hole on my right thigh. The hole is like smaller than 2cm,but I still felt exposed. Ok went back to the warmth of the hotel. The next few hours were spent working on work on the computer facing out the window, hoping to get a glance of Lake Michigan. The mist has hidden it.
Wow, I'm exhausted.---what will tomorrow bring?

So much of these days has been living in the past. Remembering old events, today even reminiscing with old friends. Driving up here to Austin for work, just brought back a whole slew of memories. Sometimes the memories are good and others are sorrowful, yet they all still make the present rather dull. I remember the I used tos. How I used to laugh more, and be more random, and dream more often. If anything I would want to be able to dream again, to go through life with hope.
that one night in a crazed daze I drove. I wanted to just get away. I drove down i-35 at first looking for a movie theatre. Perhaps I could find escape in a film. But I never exited the freeway. Then I just kept driving, until I found myself in San Antonio at midnight. I decided to return because I was tired. I got back to my dorm around 2am. My roommate knew that something was amiss. And I told her how I drove to San Antonio in the middle of the night, with no real reason or purpose.

Back from BYA. I don't want to sound cheesy, but i feel incredibly great. Well physically i'm sore and I have also a bruise on my arm. Thats where my friend Preston ran into me by accident during a practice. So much was jam-packed in the past 3 days. But definitely feeling the good in the world, or being able to see glimpses of it. Tomorrow I go back to work, which is not bad, but sigh the BYA high will soon drop. But like a friend told me at least i'm more normal than i thought i was. yay for normalness. This work week will be jam-packed as well. And next week.
Eh things will be hectic up until May.

ok its sleepy time.

less of me and more of you

Been home sick for 3 days. I've been living with a low-grade fever tthat I finally had checked out yesterday. Got some antibiotics and some med called metformin for my higher than normal blood sugar level. A bit stresssed about about this obesity thing, actually lots of anxiety. I've lost any motivation to do anything.  Going in to work tomorrow. I'm not sure how to care for anything at this time. I just feel numb.

my lj should be called depressing journal. :(
still in this heavy state of depression, fighting back the tears at least once every 2 days. yes, its agonizing trying to find some courage to see outside myself and be hopeful? hopesome....yes hopesome.  I know i feel all lonely and I want to spend time with friends, but when i reach out the majority are busy. it wouldn't be so bad if i just didn't feel so harsh and being alone with my own thoughts makes it cut your soul.
I am trying to keep busy with reading for my class and not getting behind, but even that and work is not enough. I don't want to give into some sort of anger and become jaded in order to protect myself. Last time I did that I didn't talk to people for a long time. That led me nowhere.

So here's to just trying to keep it real. Struggling with the despair, but feeling the pain.

I feel much like an emotional leper. Please God heal this emotional leper.

my soul is broken and sad
where are you God?
have you left me alone?
have you told my friends to leave me?
tears fill the empty sadness
fear brings down the hope.
please sit with me Lord.
hold my hand and hear my sighs.
heal me with your love

No, no productivity, protestant work ethic would be disappointed with me. :( the lack of internet and the entire reliance on it pretty much killed the day- until 2:30pm . And well 2:00pm-4:00pm is my space out time. I can never really be focused during that period of time. my body wants to shut down....you may ask, perhaps it's because of a large lunch. nope no matter how well or bad i eat it's the same 2pm-4pm I'm worthless. And if  you stick meetings from 11am-1pm then I'm totally out of commission. I weirdly get my second wind around 4:00 and stay till 7p to get things done. Today I tried, but too many conversations and people needing to just talk. I did get through like 5 emails and make a to do list.
I was able to wake up around 7:30 without the incredibly seductive desire to keep my eyes closed. I was quite surprised. Now I just didn't really have the motivation, but I wasn't fatigued. Less to work against.
I was able to go to Mass. Very much enjoyed that and was pretty moved by Father Dan's homily. Short but compelling. Basically How Am I going to say who Jesus is? And I will answer that with my life. How I live my life is my answer to Jesus asking "Who do you say I am?"www.usccb.org/nab/today.shtml#gospel So I was left of course thinking a bit about how do I really live my life for Jesus. I'm not necessarily jumping into a religious order, nor do I stand on the street corner proclaiming the Gospel. I'm not the most passionate of Christians or the loudest. I am trying to live a more Christ-centered life,  not because all my friends are doing that (although I was doing that for the past 2-3 years I suppose). 
I'm a bit tired now and have developed a headache thats gotten a bit worse during the past few hours. Hopefully I can focus tomorrow. Not sure what will be of this weekend. Just want to sleep through it.

I really feel as if I should make this journey alone. Yet it's the feeling that's torn between isolation and desiring companionship. Almost as if I should just pack my bags and go on some journey...some pilgrimage, just me and the path.  Time passes and my desire to seek God, to seek his love and joy fades in and out of my consciousness. At times I'm distracted mildly by the worldly things, yet the illusion doesn't last long before I remember my ache for His presence. And yet I don't even know what that would really mean. I only know from what I have read and experiencing the opposite. My knowledge is knowledge by the negative or abstractly from others words, not by my own experience or thinking.
The depression has seemed to set. The fatigue is my new battleground, I just want to sleep all the time. I want to be cozy and warm and unconscious to this world. I don't feel much, my mind and emotions are dulled to almost a numbness. If I do feel something, it's a small anxiety or fear, but happiness, pleasure or laughter is lacking.  I'm tempted to just isolate from the world of my friends and honestly it would not be that hard to do since so many are busy with their own lives. This makes the aloneness more ingrained. And the few who are responsive, I'm surely I am becoming a bit of a bother or nuisance to them. I cling in fear of losing the small companionship I have. Probably if I didn't "feel" so insecure and alone, all of the busy lives of other people wouldn't be problematic. I should be thankful and grateful for the friends God has given me. Yet, I begin to wonder again, what do I offer in return, especially during these dark days of mine. I cannot be joyful or "fun".  I only have my pain to share and who wants that?
So back to this pilgrimage. I walk alone a bit. I might call out in the darkness and hope to hear a voice or even feel someone elses hand join mine. Perhaps someone will walk with me even if it's just to talk about the weather or to sit silently during the times of rest. 

yep just still in my hole of living. not really able to hope in the fact that this life is going to be that fantastic. such the debbie downer. sorry folks wish I could be more happy for you.

some of the uplifts for today, feeling a bit better but still coughing and feeling yucky. I did go to the dr. and got prescripted meds and 2 shots! ouch. and last night I found out that Coldplay is coming to town, hopefully that co-worker that said I would get VIP passes can still do that??!!! I don't want to get excited and only be disappointed. My only real sadness to this is that I don't have any close friends to share the Coldplay concert with. Either people don't really know them, or if they do they don't like them at all. I've been made fun of for my love of Coldplay and Penguins.

Yet, I'm still down. I just feel isolated again with being sick. I miss being around people. I'm still lost after all the internal drama of the last few weeks. I feel like I lost my grounding, both spiritually and socially. This whole time has probably been a time of testing from God, but I have not really been running to him for aid. Mentally I feel like a block between me and God, or perhaps since I don't feel his presence it is hard for me to be in prayer. My attention seems to go everywhere except to him. And then missing Mass because I was sick on Sunday adds to the disconnect.
Dear God do you see me? do you hear me? help me talk to you and just be with you.

Why It Hurts to Be Away from Your Partner: Scientific American

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do penguins get colds, i mean many of them just hang out in the snow.... Well I got some nasty cough now. Two LONG days at work, Friday was a prospective student event and today was HHF Career and Education Day. Just exhausted and as they day went on my cough got horribly worse. Stopped at Walgreens to get some Robitussin and Cough Drops and Puffs Plus tissues. I've never bought Puffs, usually been a Kleenex girl, but I guess I wanted to see how this tissues with lotion feel like. Pretty nice. They aren't greasy or anything. Well I also bought water and Ricola Cough Drops...yeah i'm pretty picky with cough drops. I don't like Halls or anything super strong, i just like the Ricola Natural Herb. No, I'm not a spokesperson, just picky about cough drops. I'm so not super excited about this, already had the flu like 2weeks ago and just so emotionally unstable-my body is just out of whack. I haven't been able to go back to the gym. I had hoped to do that tomorrow.
Well, I'm gonna go to bed soon now. Probably do some more reading for class, so I can write my summary and discussion question.
It cracked me up in the last class how one of the students replied to his own observation- "well, that could be an ecological fallacy by my part"...---ohh big words. cracks me up when people use big terminology to sound all fancy. He was also the same guy who brought up Freud to compare one of the readings. Bleh Freud, really your bringing up Totem and Taboo?! The trying to be fancy intellectual is a bit annoying, perhaps because I'm a bit that way myself. I'm a bit of Catholic intellectual snob, that tries to keep it low key. Only use big words when necessary and watch which philosophies you follow.
That reminds me. So in class we were discussing do people file lawsuits for their own well-being or because they desire to make a change to the law for the good of others. Well, evidence shows that most of the time they will settle out of court instead of continue to trial to make a real change in law. The point of American Individualism was brought up, that as Americans we are more likely only to look out for our own individual interests. One my classmates was honest and declared that she would probably settle for her own individual interests than make a choice that may bring about change for the greater good. Because most of the time people think "well someone else can be 'that person'-the other that stands up also for others"  Most everyone in the class nodded with affirmation/approval as if to acknowledge similar sentiments---the let someone else be the "helper".... I chimed in with, "I'll be "that person-the other" ... because for me I guess with my Catholic upbringing, I would greatly consider to file a lawsuit not simply for my own interest but so that others may not have to experience similar injustices. I would be that person. Not trying to be heroic, I wanted to do my best to show that we aren't subject indefinitely by the American Protestant Individualism ideology that can be so selfish and uncharitable.  The class seemed relieved that "that person" existed, but immediately dismissed my empowerment by saying " well I guess you'll be the one in the jail cell" I suppose to suggesting I'd be some crazed activist who would end up controlled by the government. I only wish they understood that sometimes we must realize we are all interconnected- Catholic term-part of the Mystical Body of Christ.
I can only imagine the discussion when we cover Roe v. Wade. :/

I'm not sure where God is taking me. At least I'm having to just throw everything into his hands. Yesterday was the day I was on my edge. I did everything I could to keep it together. I called my dr. my friends, I went to see Fr. Dan. I told my boss how I felt overwhelmed, and then from out of nowhere I was sort of offered a different position. Partly because I'm not really good at the one I am, and b/c they need someone in that new position. I'm not sure, I'm confused and overwhelmed. I cried so many tears and I just wanted to feel numb. And then I still cut myself to just ease the pain.
I know most people wouldn't understand or would be to scared to even talk to me now. I'm that unstable emotionally. At least God loves me, right?

I woke up and went right back to sleep today.  Just tired from living at this time. I have an extremely busy week and weekend-workwise. Not looking forward to that.
Oh and I also get to work next Saturday, sure why not, everyone else actually has plans for Valentine's day.

just bleh.

I almost practically fell asleep twice today as I was driving to and from a college fair.  Difficulty sleeping and taking anti-anxiety meds and antihistamines can be quite a lethal drowsy choice. But my anxiety and my sinuses have been making my life miserable. Last night just to finally fall asleep I took twice my recommended dose for my anti-anxiety meds. Yes, thats a huge NO NO, but I needed to sleep and I was just so tired yet completely anxious. I realized finally today that much of it stemmed from both encounters with people and the new grad class I'm taking.
Yes, the anticipation of class was weirding me out! But I did go to today and I just jumped into the water. I did my participation of discussion, even if I probably sounded like a bumbling fool. I feel a bit more at ease. And I plan to work hard to really learn and contribute. Hopefully I'll gain a better ability of thinking critically and explaining my thoughts. My class is Sociology of Law and I unfortunately lack any knowledge about legal philosophy. Hey I can just answer it's all a social construction....I think wikipedia will be my friend for the next few weeks.
Still annoyed with work issues, but trying to get past them and asking God for some very necessary intervention. I am in need of growing in patience, compassion and charity.
As loud and sarcastic I can be, I find myself disliking that part of me increasingly more. I know I developed my sarcasm as a way to defend myself and create humor.  My sarcasm and teasing people occurs mostly when I feel either threatened, insecure, or just needing to get attention.  But it can be truly uncharitable and very hurtful. I don't want to be that way. Yeah, I want people to like me, love me.
A friend of mine told me to be gentle with myself and not be see critical of myself. I understand what he means, but at the same time I dislike many things about or at least things I percieve about myself. I feel as if I can come across as a very obnoxious and loud person. I  know that I laugh rather loudly and that makes me more self-conscious these days.  And I can particularly amused by very mundane things, which can scare people.
Ok I'm starting to fall asleep btwn writing these sentences. Going ot make use of this sleepiness. Hopefully God will grant me a good nights rest..

i really don't want to be social now.